WARNING: Potentially triggering topics discussed below
It's that time again, folks... time for me to bare my soul and share a deeply personal story. And this is a bigger, scarier one than I've ever shared. The text below may be triggering to some who are triggered by self harm.
Growing up I was always very shy and awkward around everyone. I did my schoolwork, read books during recess and lunch, and generally tried to be as invisible as possible. Sadly, hitting puberty at 9 years old and being taller than (and having a larger chest than) your 3rd grade teacher doesn't really make for invisibility at school.
Growing up I was always very shy and awkward around everyone. I did my schoolwork, read books during recess and lunch, and generally tried to be as invisible as possible. Sadly, hitting puberty at 9 years old and being taller than (and having a larger chest than) your 3rd grade teacher doesn't really make for invisibility at school.
And so I was teased. Daily. Mercilessly. Paired with divorced parents (one of whom still suffered from drug addiction and violent anger problems), severe poverty (Toys for Tots kid, represent), living in a dangerous part of town, and having been raised primarily by my older brother (which left me with minimal healthy coping skills) I decided I would rather be the bully than be bullied. And so, an intelligent bookworm of a girl started acting out for her own protection.
In elementary school I was the physical bully. In middle school I learned that people looked up to me and I could use that to keep me protected, mostly at least. The boys would still make fun of me but there were the other kids who actually liked me, so it helped. But I still had no one I could talk to about anything, no one who actually understood what was going on inside my head. When high school came around I was the bottom of the barrel again and still didn't fit in with anyone, my pain finally became too much to keep inside. I started self harming.
The methods don't matter, what matters is that in the end it ruined my high school life and ended with me being expelled and sent to a secondary school where all the other students were drug dealers, gang members, and prostitutes. Me, the girl who just wanted to read her books and stay invisible, but who now was thrust into a situation that left her even more terrified and isolated from the few people she considered friends. I was only there for a few months, after I had my second panic attack in a single week my mom told me that I was never going back to that horrible place and the next week I started home schooling. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. Suddenly I was back to having good grades and doing all my work!
The methods don't matter, what matters is that in the end it ruined my high school life and ended with me being expelled and sent to a secondary school where all the other students were drug dealers, gang members, and prostitutes. Me, the girl who just wanted to read her books and stay invisible, but who now was thrust into a situation that left her even more terrified and isolated from the few people she considered friends. I was only there for a few months, after I had my second panic attack in a single week my mom told me that I was never going back to that horrible place and the next week I started home schooling. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. Suddenly I was back to having good grades and doing all my work!
I still wasn't being treated for my underlying mental illness and traumas from my childhood, though, and so I still wasn't safe from myself physically. It took a few more years of medication and therapy for me to stop harming myself but I can happily say that I haven't intentionally harmed myself in about 8 years!!
So, what's my point with telling you all this? To break down the stigma of self harm. I wasn't a silly kid begging for attention (and in fact I often hid it from everyone; my own family didn't know for years), I wasn't trying to "fit in", thankfully I wasn't trying to kill myself, and I wasn't crazy for hurting myself. I was someone who had no other way to cope with life, the overwhelming emotions were too much to keep inside and the only way to relieve the pressure was to harm. Even with therapy it was tempting to harm, but I've been able to stay strong and safe. Believe me when I tell you, though, that even today it's sometimes difficult to resist the urge.
So, what's my point with telling you all this? To break down the stigma of self harm. I wasn't a silly kid begging for attention (and in fact I often hid it from everyone; my own family didn't know for years), I wasn't trying to "fit in", thankfully I wasn't trying to kill myself, and I wasn't crazy for hurting myself. I was someone who had no other way to cope with life, the overwhelming emotions were too much to keep inside and the only way to relieve the pressure was to harm. Even with therapy it was tempting to harm, but I've been able to stay strong and safe. Believe me when I tell you, though, that even today it's sometimes difficult to resist the urge.
Recently my best friend/girlfriend of 9 years told me of her own struggles with self harm and introduced me to the Butterfly Project on tumblr. It's a project that accepts that self harm happens, that it doesn't make you a bad person, but it tries to give ways to deter self harm. Here are "The Rules" from Butterfly Project and how it works.
1. when you feel like you want to cut, take a marker or pen and draw a butterfly wherever the self-harm occurs.
2. name the butterfly after a loved one, or someone that really wants you to get better.
3. NO scrubbing the butterfly off.
4. if you cut before the butterfly is gone, it dies. if you don't cut, it lives.
5. if you have more than one, cutting kills them all.
6. another person may draw them on you. these butterflies are extra special. take good care of them.
7. even if you don’t cut, feel free to draw a butterfly anyways, to show your support.
It was the Butterfly Project that inspired this polish, appropriately named Butterfly Project. However, if you want a custom name, something you call your butterfly, or if you would like me to name your bottle of Butterfly Project for you please leave that information in the Notes field when you order. Anyone who asks for a special name for their Butterfly will have time and thought dedicated to what I feel their Butterfly's name should be; it won't be a single name given out to whoever asks me to name their Butterfly and they will not be "average" people names but instead will be cute and whimsical names, like Bubbles.
 | Presenting, Butterfly Project. |  |
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And, for those who request a named bottle, the top will look like this. Mr. Waffles is my Butterfly.
Butterfly Project is a long-term part of the Polish with a Purpose charity collection. It was created for those who self harm, or know someone who does, and is intended as an alternative to self harm and a way to open up conversations to reduce the stigma of self harm.
Butterfly Project is Lucky 13's first Pay What You Can polish. It is available in only one size and there will be a range of options available in the shop from $2 to $20 (before shipping costs); all will receive the same 15ml bottle. Please contribute what you can as larger contributions will be used to offset the costs of those who are unable to afford it but are still in need of Butterfly Project as a self harm alternative. Your contribution may save a life!
If you are in need of Butterfly Project as a self harm alternative and cannot afford a monetary payment please contact me and we will arrange creative forms of payment. Draw me a picture, write me a short story or a poem, promise me you'll blog about it or talk to friends about it, raise funds using MTurk and send me an Amazon gift card...Whatever! We'll work something out <3
Butterfly Project is Lucky 13's first Pay What You Can polish. It is available in only one size and there will be a range of options available in the shop from $2 to $20 (before shipping costs); all will receive the same 15ml bottle. Please contribute what you can as larger contributions will be used to offset the costs of those who are unable to afford it but are still in need of Butterfly Project as a self harm alternative. Your contribution may save a life!
If you are in need of Butterfly Project as a self harm alternative and cannot afford a monetary payment please contact me and we will arrange creative forms of payment. Draw me a picture, write me a short story or a poem, promise me you'll blog about it or talk to friends about it, raise funds using MTurk and send me an Amazon gift card...Whatever! We'll work something out <3
Well, there you have it. In all honesty I'm terrified and I don't know how this post will be received. I'm just the lady behind the lacquer; I have my own life and experiences, I'm not this perfect being who creates polish, and if I were to pretend to be such it might make people think that they were abnormal for experiencing things that so many others experience.
I can't stop you from being afraid of talking about who you are and what you've done in your life, but I can tell you that there's no need to be ashamed of it. We are who we are today because of what we've experienced, and that has created some truly amazing people that I'm proud to call my friends.
I can't stop you from being afraid of talking about who you are and what you've done in your life, but I can tell you that there's no need to be ashamed of it. We are who we are today because of what we've experienced, and that has created some truly amazing people that I'm proud to call my friends.
