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Butterfly Project release

10/9/2013

46 Comments

 
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WARNING: Potentially triggering topics discussed below

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It's that time again, folks... time for me to bare my soul and share a deeply personal story. And this is a bigger, scarier one than I've ever shared. The text below may be triggering to some who are triggered by self harm.

Growing up I was always very shy and awkward around everyone. I did my schoolwork, read books during recess and lunch, and generally tried to be as invisible as possible. Sadly, hitting puberty at 9 years old and being taller than (and having a larger chest than) your 3rd grade teacher doesn't really make for invisibility at school.

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And so I was teased. Daily. Mercilessly. Paired with divorced parents (one of whom still suffered from drug addiction and violent anger problems), severe poverty (Toys for Tots kid, represent), living in a dangerous part of town, and having been raised primarily by my older brother (which left me with minimal healthy coping skills) I decided I would rather be the bully than be bullied. And so, an intelligent bookworm of a girl started acting out for her own protection.

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In elementary school I was the physical bully. In middle school I learned that people looked up to me and I could use that to keep me protected, mostly at least. The boys would still make fun of me but there were the other kids who actually liked me, so it helped. But I still had no one I could talk to about anything, no one who actually understood what was going on inside my head. When high school came around I was the bottom of the barrel again and still didn't fit in with anyone, my pain finally became too much to keep inside. I started self harming.

The methods don't matter, what matters is that in the end it ruined my high school life and ended with me being expelled and sent to a secondary school where all the other students were drug dealers, gang members, and prostitutes. Me, the girl who just wanted to read her books and stay invisible, but who now was thrust into a situation that left her even more terrified and isolated from the few people she considered friends. I was only there for a few months, after I had my second panic attack in a single week my mom told me that I was never going back to that horrible place and the next week I started home schooling. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. Suddenly I was back to having good grades and doing all my work!

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I still wasn't being treated for my underlying mental illness and traumas from my childhood, though, and so I still wasn't safe from myself physically. It took a few more years of medication and therapy for me to stop harming myself but I can happily say that I haven't intentionally harmed myself in about 8 years!!

So, what's my point with telling you all this? To break down the stigma of self harm. I wasn't a silly kid begging for attention (and in fact I often hid it from everyone; my own family didn't know for years), I wasn't trying to "fit in", thankfully I wasn't trying to kill myself, and I wasn't crazy for hurting myself. I was someone who had no other way to cope with life, the overwhelming emotions were too much to keep inside and the only way to relieve the pressure was to harm. Even with therapy it was tempting to harm, but I've been able to stay strong and safe. Believe me when I tell you, though, that even today it's sometimes difficult to resist the urge.

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Recently my best friend/girlfriend of 9 years told me of her own struggles with self harm and introduced me to the Butterfly Project on tumblr. It's a project that accepts that self harm happens, that it doesn't make you a bad person, but it tries to give ways to deter self harm. Here are "The Rules" from Butterfly Project and how it works.

1. when you feel like you want to cut, take a marker or pen and draw a butterfly wherever the self-harm occurs. 
2. name the butterfly after a loved one, or someone that really wants you to get better. 
3. NO scrubbing the butterfly off.
4. if you cut before the butterfly is gone, it dies. if you don't cut, it lives.
5. if you have more than one, cutting kills them all.
6. another person may draw them on you. these butterflies are extra special. take good care of them.
7. even if you don’t cut, feel free to draw a butterfly anyways, to show your support.
It was the Butterfly Project that inspired this polish, appropriately named Butterfly Project. However, if you want a custom name, something you call your butterfly, or if you would like me to name your bottle of Butterfly Project for you please leave that information in the Notes field when you order. Anyone who asks for a special name for their Butterfly will have time and thought dedicated to what I feel their Butterfly's name should be; it won't be a single name given out to whoever asks me to name their Butterfly and they will not be "average" people names but instead will be cute and whimsical names, like Bubbles.
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Presenting, Butterfly Project.
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And, for those who request a named bottle, the top will look like this. Mr. Waffles is my Butterfly.
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Butterfly Project is a long-term part of the Polish with a Purpose charity collection. It was created for those who self harm, or know someone who does, and is intended as an alternative to self harm and a way to open up conversations to reduce the stigma of self harm.

Butterfly Project is Lucky 13's first Pay What You Can polish. It is available in only one size and there will be a range of options available in the shop from $2 to $20 (before shipping costs); all will receive the same 15ml bottle. Please contribute what you can as larger contributions will be used to offset the costs of those who are unable to afford it but are still in need of Butterfly Project as a self harm alternative. Your contribution may save a life!

If you are in need of Butterfly Project as a self harm alternative and cannot afford a monetary payment please contact me and we will arrange creative forms of payment. Draw me a picture, write me a short story or a poem, promise me you'll blog about it or talk to friends about it, raise funds using MTurk and send me an Amazon gift card...Whatever! We'll work something out <3

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Well, there you have it. In all honesty I'm terrified and I don't know how this post will be received. I'm just the lady behind the lacquer; I have my own life and experiences, I'm not this perfect being who creates polish, and if I were to pretend to be such it might make people think that they were abnormal for experiencing things that so many others experience.

I can't stop you from being afraid of talking about who you are and what you've done in your life, but I can tell you that there's no need to be ashamed of it. We are who we are today because of what we've experienced, and that has created some truly amazing people that I'm proud to call my friends.

46 Comments
Heather
10/9/2013 07:54:40 am

You're amazing. <3

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Kyoti link
10/9/2013 07:26:28 pm

Thank you, but I'm just a girl! There are far more amazing people out there :-) I just hope that talking about self harm helps break down the stigma associated with it!

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Alex
10/9/2013 07:56:12 am

This post just made me cry. I wish there had been a butterfly project when I was in high school. I never self-harmed but I had friends that did. I didn't know how to help them, to reach them. I had nothing to offer but "I'm here for you"s and when you feel that alone, those words can sound so false. I wish I could have sent them to the Butterfly project. Thank you for sharing. <3

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Kyoti link
10/9/2013 07:27:08 pm

I wish there had been something like Butterfly Project when I was struggling, as well. We can just be thankful it's out there now :-)

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Kim
10/9/2013 08:00:30 am

<3

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Kyoti link
10/9/2013 07:27:24 pm

<3 <3!

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Gloria link
10/9/2013 08:01:22 am

What a wonderful thing you have done. Its good to know that the Butterfly Projects is there to help :) Keep being yourself and do what you love. Will definitely be getting this amazing polish tomorrow. Take care :)

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Kyoti link
10/9/2013 07:35:56 pm

I wish it had been around when I was in school, I'm just glad it's around now for those who need it! :-)

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Celeste Richards
10/9/2013 08:01:26 am

I'm not going to share my own problems, but all I wanted to say is that you and I very alike in many ways. :)

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Kyoti link
10/9/2013 07:28:11 pm

*big hugs* It's good to know we're not alone!

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Alyssa link
10/9/2013 08:06:25 am

This story means the world to me. I had several self harming friends and almost went that way myself. Instead I pulled away and dealt with my depression by isolation, but that is a battle I still fight and people shy away from talking about it sadly. This means so much to me

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Kyoti link
10/9/2013 07:30:29 pm

It must have been hard for you to see them hurting themselves. I hope they were able to find alternatives :-) *hugs*

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Kris
10/9/2013 08:20:48 am

Sending so much love your way. <3 <3 <3

While I'm so sorry for everything you've suffered and endured, I can't help but smile after reading this post. I think it's incredible that you have decided to turn something painful into something beautiful that could help and inspire others. And how thoughtful to have a Pay What You Can concept, making the beauty accessible to everyone.

I find this polish especially meaningful for me because of the butterflies. I lost my cousin just over a year ago. I don't want to go into details here, but she loved butterflies. When she passed away, I got a big, colorful butterfly tattooed on my left rib cage. This way, my cousin will always be by my side. She is my butterfly, and she is my reminder to take care of myself and live life to the fullest.

Thank you for sharing this piece of yourself with us. I can't wait to order my bottle tomorrow.

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

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Kyoti link
10/9/2013 07:32:10 pm

Myself and a few other kids basically grew up as a small family with whichever parents were around, that was your mom and dad. They had just as much power over reward and punishment as your birth parents, basically.

My "other mom" passed a few years back from cancer and she loved butterflies. I still think of her every time I see one, so this polish is extra special for me too :-)

<3

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Erica Scott link
10/9/2013 08:24:33 am

thank you for sharing, both your story and your creation! i wasn't aware there was such a thing as a Butterfly Project, and know of {several} someones who could benefit from such support. {hugs}

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Kyoti link
10/9/2013 07:32:57 pm

Please don't be afraid to discuss it (with love in your heart, of course!) and let them know about Butterfly Project (the tumblr thing. Or the polish, too!) and hopefully it will be helpful for them :-) *hugs!*

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Kate
10/9/2013 08:40:59 am

Thank you for telling your story.

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Kyoti link
10/9/2013 07:33:23 pm

And thank you for reading it :-) <3

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Jessica link
10/9/2013 08:46:01 am

I have so many feels about this post, and I wish I could share and talk more with you, not in this big interwebz arena, but in real life. You're so not alone. I wish I could hug you, for all you do. First Softening the Bad Things, and then this. You are an amazing, beautiful woman. Thank you for sharing part of your soul with us. *hugs, loves*

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Kyoti link
10/9/2013 07:35:16 pm

I hate how the Internet can bring me so close (yet still keep me so far!) from people who mean so much to me. Having good friends through the Internet is better than nothing though, so I'm happy for those friends I've made :-) <3

*hugs!*

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Jessica
10/9/2013 08:49:41 am

This post was amazing and I'm glad you're spreading awareness about the Butterfly Project. I'm a huge Bob Dylan fan and every time I start getting frustrated or overwhelmed I always think of "Tangled Up in Blue": the only thing I knew how to dowse to keep on keeping on like a bird that flew. So, I've always loved birds and butterflies. I'll be picking up a bottle as soon as I can. :)

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Kyoti link
10/9/2013 07:37:09 pm

I don't think I've heard that song! I'll have to give it a listen :-) I've always been jealous of birds and butterflies for being able to fly... I'd definitely pick flying as my super power if I could (with beautiful wings, of course!)

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Erika
10/9/2013 08:51:23 am

This is profound!! Thanks for sharing and for being so generous and thoughtful! You continue to amaze me!

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Debra
10/9/2013 10:01:48 am

My heart goes out to you. I have my own sad story but I wasn't able to get the help I needed for many years so I did other destructive things to myself. The first time I tried suicide I was 12, the next 19. I'm now 57, and after many years of therapy and medication, finally feel better about life. If you ever want to talk more, I'm a im away. You did a awesome thing here, and you helped many people. Self-harm is still so misunderstood. I commend you for your bravery.

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Kyoti link
10/11/2013 04:25:00 pm

Thank you for sharing your story <3 I'm glad that things finally began looking up for you, though I wish it had happened earlier <3

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Ian
10/9/2013 10:46:42 am

This is a truly inspiring story. Although I can not relate to self harming directly, I do know what its like to try to hide from others. I think that your creativity can be a great outlet. Best of luck to you!!

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Bobbie-Jo Marksberry
10/9/2013 12:27:34 pm

Why is it that the most creative and unique individuals are the ones who have been through so much? This post reminded me of how I burned myself a few times in high school. It's been a long time and I cope with things differently now. I love your polishes and would have them all if I could afford it (future goal.) My daughter and I browse frequently looking for our favorites. Please keep doing what you do and plunging ahead. You are amazing and inspiring! Thank you.

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Kyoti link
10/11/2013 04:26:10 pm

Sometimes the most beautiful creations come from the greatest pain. Think of Van Gogh (no, I don't think I'm anywhere near Van Gogh status lol) and all he endured and the beauty he created from that.

Love to you and your daughter! <3

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Kim
10/9/2013 12:29:28 pm

I was on my phone earlier so I couldn't type much, other than just the <3.

I wish the Butterfly Project was around when I was younger. I cannot say that my experiences would have been different, but at least I wouldn't have felt alone. I won't get into my own story, but it took me many years to come to the realization that I wasn't.

Thank you for this polish, and trying to break the stigma of self-harming.

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Kyoti link
10/11/2013 04:27:16 pm

I wish it had been around for me when I needed it, too. We can just be thankful it's around for those who need it now <3 Lots of love <3

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Samantha
10/9/2013 12:37:04 pm

This made me cry and smile. I am so happy to hear that you haven't self harmed in so long!! What an amazing accomplishment...and oh how I could relate to being the outsider. I remember in high school how I always hid in the library during lunch, I had very few friends and I was miserable. Think that was when my depression first showed it's head, but I just lived with it till about 6 years ago when I finally got put on medication. Life is always a struggle no matter what, but when you have depression and self worth issues it makes everything so much harder.

Keep up the good work Jess and always take it one day at a time!!!

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Andrea link
10/9/2013 07:11:09 pm

There are many things I'd like to say but as I have yet to have any caffeine this morning my words are all jumbled so I will just leave it at this: YOU ARE AWESOME! <3

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Katie link
10/9/2013 10:33:39 pm

Wow. Firstly congratulations on eight years, that's seriously amazing...I want to say I'm proud of you, but that sounds weird as I don't know you, I do know how hard it is though so yea im proud of you. For surviving for stopping for sharing. The butterfly project is a great cause... As is fighting the stigma around sh, so many people with very wrong ideas. Sharing your story must have been so hard well done...I blog around mental health and my own experiences and it still terrifies me every time I share something personal. I'm rambling sorry. The polish is beautiful... and polish is my 'thing' my version of a butterfly what I do when what I want to do is unhealthy.
Still rambling. Just loving this post so much. Xx

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Jamie Dement (LadyJai) link
10/9/2013 10:59:37 pm

Wow! What a beautiful story and a beautiful way of dealing with the cutting! So glad to see that you've resisted the urge for 8 years! Keep up the wonderful work!

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e rainbow bee
10/9/2013 11:55:44 pm

i read this at work and somehow made myself not cry. i didn't start until i was... probably 22 or 23. it went on for maybe... 12? 13? years. i don't even know now when i stopped. i still think about it all the time. i never did it for attention, and though i wanted someone to notice desperately, i always covered the scars up. now i've gradually gotten tattoos to cover my arms, but otherwise say "fuck it" and don't care if someone sees. took a long time to get that way though and i still don't wear shorts. :/ so thank you.

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kendahl link
10/10/2013 12:35:58 am

And then I was crying. Like, lots of crying.

We have so much in common. You are so much stronger than I am though, to be able to talk about it with such honesty. You are incredible! 8 years is such an accomplishment. I know how tough it can get.

This polish is amazing and you are magnificent for making it and selling it how you are. I will be buying a bottle for myself once I'm off this no-buy, but in the meantime, let me know if there is anyone in need of it that can't get it. My no-buy does not include buying for other people. So really, email me.

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Melinda Wright
10/10/2013 01:33:56 am

This post really hit home as my brother went through the same thing you did. See, this story is exactly why I love and support indie polish. You guys are real people with stories behind each polish. I honestly cannot remember the last time I bought a bottle of OPI or China Glaze. All of my polishes lately have been indie polishes. Thank you for sharing your story.

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meah
10/10/2013 07:49:53 am

This is so beautiful and I wish I weren't too poor to buy this. But I don't need the gift of a discount. I don't wear the scars of self-harm, out of sheer luck more than anything. Good luck <3

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Kelly (Nails for the Sake of Sanity) link
10/10/2013 10:09:45 am

You are wonderful, and beautiful, and so brave. I can't wait to buy this. It's a great cause that is very close to me personally. Some people are too afraid to share something like this, and I think it's amazing that you are strong enough to do so. Congratulations on 8 years - further proof of your strength. <3

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MeryeBeth Albert
10/26/2013 07:51:06 pm

Reading your story was like meeting a member of my family I didn't know existed. Hello, Little Sister.

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Lindsay
10/27/2013 03:12:03 pm

I think you're extra amazing (since you were amazing to start with) for being brave and sharing this. I've never self harmed but I've been struggling with depression and anxiety for somewhere around 14 years now. While medication has helped me a lot I still have my dark days. Today just happens to be one of them. Your post made me cry in the best of ways, I'll definitely be buying a bottle for me and one for my best friend who has a history of self harm.

Is there any way I can donate money to pay for a bottle for someone else who can't afford one?

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Kyoti link
10/28/2013 09:26:12 am

Aw, thank you so much, Lindsay! <3 *big hugs*

On my site there is an option to pay what you wish for Butterfly Project; it costs $5 in supplies for one bottle so for example if you were to do the recommended $10 that would cover supplies for your bottle and send one free one as well. The maximum I have on the site is $20 per bottle (which would mean 3 free bottles to send to those in need) but if you're interested in sending more than that please just let me know :-)

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Heidi link
11/3/2013 02:28:49 am

This is amazing. I always like to see when people take something they struggle with and turn it into a testament to help others. If there is anything you need from me or the Makeup Assassin team to get the word out, let me know. <3

You are amazing.

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brianna
11/25/2013 05:28:09 pm

hi! I was linked to this post because I am very open about doing nail art and half decade struggle with self harm. (i've been clean for nearly a year already!!) and I cried at this because nail art is my #1 coping mechanism. I love it. now I have 20 lil canvases to design on that I can change whenever, instead of creating scars and burn marks on my skin. so this post moved me to tears and I will definitely be asking for this for my birthday soon and will tell everyone about it, as well as boom marking your blog. I commend you for being open and awesome. that's how we stop the stigma! keep up the good work <3

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kyoti link
12/7/2013 06:49:53 am

Oh wow, good on you for going almost a whole year!! It does get easier (or it did for me) and once you've got some time it can be almost a challenge to yourself, proving just how strong you can be and how long you're able to go.

Lots of love! <3

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Sydnei
1/14/2014 11:18:52 pm

Thank you for sharing your story! I self harmed in high school and I am so glad I met friends who cared about me and helped me through my issues. Having someone to talk to makes all the difference. I can't wait to purchase this beautiful polish.

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